Crossroads
by Shibata Kimiko
Summary: A series of one-shots exploring the motives of various Neon Genesis Evangelion characters leading up to the events of End of Eva. Related one-shots. No lemon, pseudo-implied yuri and yaoi, nothing explicit.
1. Part 1: I Like You

Hikari sat on the edge of her couch, watching Asuka play video games. She was worried about her red-headed friend. Asuka'd done nothing but hang out in Hikari's living room playing video games for the last three days. She hadn't gone to school, or gone home, or even _eaten_ unless Hikari made her. She wouldn't talk about whatever was wrong, either, and that only added to Hikari's worry. Asuka had always been proud and headstrong. It was part of why they were friends; Asuka was everything Hikari wasn't. But this behavior wasn't like her. She was trying to avoid something, and whenever Hikari tried to ask about it Asuka snapped at her.

Asuka tossed the controller down in a huff, crossing her arms in irritation, face red. "Hikari, this game cheats! No matter WHAT I do, it won't let me get through this level!"

Hikari blinked. "Well, you DID miss the super-jump powerup in the first third of the level." She grabbed the fallen controller, quickly showing Asuka where said powerup was located. "See? It's hard to get, but it's there."

Asuka snatched the controller from Hikari's hands, grumbling as she resumed blasting through levels. Hikari sighed, brows knit in concern. Asuka had barely even acknowledged Hikari's presence since she'd arrived. She could be stuck-up and mean sometimes, but Hikari was usually the one person Asuka was unfailingly nice to. The way she'd been acting since the other day was just… weird.

Eventually, Hikari's father came in to tell the pair they needed to go to bed. After changing into pajamas and unrolling the futon mattresses, Hikari turned out the lights and laid down on the bed next to Asuka, staring up at the ceiling and thinking.

Asuka'd been popular from her first day in Japan. She was pretty, she was exotic by virtue of being foreign, and she was smart. All the boys followed her around like puppies, even though she never showed interest in any of them. Everyone wanted to be her friend, or at least to be noticed by her. She even got to be an Evangelion pilot, a fact many of her classmates envied, though Hikari didn't know why. It seemed like a stressful, terrible job.

Maybe that was the problem. Hikari knew there'd been a fight the other day, and it had been that night that Asuka showed up at her door, asking if she could stay over at Hikari's home for a while. The look on her face was almost pitiful, and Hikari found that she couldn't say no to her friend. Since then, Asuka had been retreating further and further into herself, as if she didn't even want to think about anything but the games she'd been playing non-stop since her arrival.

Hikari sighed, rolling over and going to sleep.

At school the next day, Hikari cornered Shinji during cleaning duties, worry written all over her face. "Ikari, can I talk to you?"  
Shinji gulped, embarrassed to have a girl so close to him. "Umm…..sure, Class Rep. What's going on?"

Hikari sighed. "Well… Asuka's been at my apartment for the last few days. She doesn't do anything but play video games, and when I try to talk to her she just ignores me. I'm really worried…I mean, this behavior isn't _like_ her, right?"

Shinji briefly thought about telling Hikari about some of the times Asuka'd been the same way to him, but then the full impact of what she'd said worked its way into his mind. He frowned, confused. "She's been doing it for _days_?"

Hikari nodded. "That's right… I think something's really wrong. What happened in that last fight you guys had? Did she get hurt?"

Shinji gulped again, knowing he shouldn't be talking about this. "Well…kinda, yeah. I mean, the…uhh…the enemy kinda hurt her." He couldn't think of any other way to explain it without talking about things that could get him in real trouble.

Hikari's eyes widened, a mix of alarm and concern playing across her face. "You mean she got hurt and she didn't tell me?" She sighed, still looking worried. "I…I guess I should just leave her alone, then… Thanks, Ikari."

Shinji nodded, confusion all over his face as Hikari plodded away, looking like she was carrying a huge load. _Well, that was weird…_

Later that night, Hikari was once more watching Asuka play video games. She had to admit, Asuka was really good at it. She was flying through games it had taken Hikari weeks to complete, her unwavering focus almost unnerving in its intensity. Hikari couldn't help but wonder what had happened in that fight that would make Asuka so determined to ignore the world. Physically, she was obviously fine, but it seemed like her mind was somewhere else entirely.

Hikari cleared her throat quietly. "Asuka?"

Asuka replied tonelessly, not even looking away from the TV screen. "What?"

"Umm…are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Now stop bothering me. I'm almost through with this game."

Hikari sighed, sitting back. It was no use. Asuka'd never talk to her, and she should have known better than to try. Asuka was too stubbornly independent to ever ask for help, or accept it when it was offered. Hikari sometimes wondered what had happened to Asuka that made her this way, but then she reminded herself that it was none of her business and it'd be rude to ask. Instead, she simply did her best to tolerate her friend's eccentricities and keep her out of trouble.

A little while later, Asuka spoke quietly, again without turning around. "Hikari."

Hikari was surprised to hear her friend speak, and hesitated slightly before answering. "Y-yes?"

"Let's go to bed."

After their preparations were complete Hikari laid on her back, staring at the dark ceiling, Asuka half-curled on her side on the bed nearby. Hikari sighed, wishing once more that she had some way to help her friend. She knew Asuka was suffering somehow. It was obvious. But if she wouldn't talk, Hikari couldn't help, and she was too mild-mannered to really press the issue. Her mind was split, part of it urging her to pester Asuka until the other girl caved and told her what was wrong, part of it (the more proper, respectful side) telling her that if Asuka wanted to talk, she would, and trying to push her into it would be disastrous, not to mention rude. As often happened to her lately, Hikari found herself unable to decide what to do. She'd tried to talk to Toji about it when she went to see him earlier in the day, but he didn't seem very interested. He'd never liked Asuka, and she knew that, but it disappointed her to see him so apathetic in the face of her concerns. Of course, part of that could have been because his family was moving to New Yokosuka in a few days, and he was being transferred to the hospital there. The odds were good that he and Hikari would never see each other again. The very thought made her want to cry, but she knew there was no way for her to change it so she stayed calm, not wanting to add to HIS pain.

Asuka spoke quietly, her normally peppy tone disturbingly flat. "Sorry for inconveniencing you, Hikari."

Hikari blinked, responding just as quietly. "You're not, really."

A few silent moments followed, after which Asuka spoke again, sounding like she was talking more to herself than to Hikari. "I lost. Even with my Eva, I lost. All my hard work was for nothing. I just…I hate it. I hate everything….."

Rather than angry, Asuka's last statement sounded hopeless, despairing. The complete lack of her friend's former fire and enthusiasm scared and saddened Hikari. What could have happened to her that would destroy her like this? Hikari knew that Asuka was absurdly competitive, but…this was more than post-loss depression. Asuka seemed crushed, destroyed, as if she'd given up on life entirely.

Asuka continued in the same hopeless, empty tone. "I hate myself the most, though. I'm useless now. I can't do anything worthwhile."

Hearing her say this drove home to Hikari how deeply Asuka was hurting right now. She responded quietly, but honestly. "I think you can still do anything you want to. I don't blame you, Asuka. You've done really well. I'm sure there are still worthwhile things for you to do."

Asuka curled up tighter, her body shaking as she began to cry. "No…no, you're wrong…if I can't pilot, I'm useless…"

This was more than Hikari could take. Asuka _never_ cried. She was always the strong one, who laughed at challenges and charged in where anyone else would turn around. Yet here she was, crying herself to sleep because she thought she was useless for some reason. Unable to hold back anymore, Hikari rolled onto her side, hugging Asuka from behind. She spoke quietly, trying to keep her pity out of her voice, since she knew it would only anger Asuka to hear it. "You're not useless. You're just not, so stop saying it. You're smart, and pretty, and you're my friend, and I'm sure there are _lots_ of things you can do that are just as important as piloting. Please stop saying you're useless…"

Asuka recoiled from the hug, wrapping her arms around her chest. "How would _you_ know, huh, Hikari? I can't even do what I've been training to do for _years._ What good am I if I can't even do that?" She shivered, expression one of misery and fear. "Nobody will want me if I'm not the best…and now I can't do it at all."

Hikari's eyes widened in surprise. "Asuka…I'm afraid of that too sometimes. That's why I'm the class rep, and why I'm always trying to get everybody to follow the rules. I'm always afraid that if I'm not the perfect student and everything, nobody will like me anymore…that nobody will want me around. But you and I…we're friends, right? Maybe we don't _need_ anyone else as long as we're friends…"

Asuka froze, her reply quiet and guarded. "What do you mean?"

Hikari gulped, afraid she was about to bring Asuka's legendary wrath down on her for the first time. "I…all I'm saying is you're not the only one who's afraid of being unwanted. And I guess I'm trying to say that even if you couldn't do anything at all, I'd still be your friend, because I _like_ being your friend. I don't like hanging around with you because you're famous, or because you're a pilot. I like spending time with you because you're fun to spend time with."

Asuka curled up a little more, bowing her head so that it rested against her chest, muttering. "You're just saying that. You don't mean it."

Hikari was almost offended for a moment, until she reminded herself that Asuka was really upset and probably didn't mean it to be insulting. "I _do_ mean it, Asuka. I promise. I'll always be your friend."

Asuka was silent, seemingly thinking about this statement. Hikari hesitated, then decided to risk pulling Asuka back into a loose hug again. Asuka didn't resist this time, instead starting to cry again. Hikari started crying as well, unable to restrain herself in the face of her friend's pain.

After a little while, Asuka's crying slowed and she spoke again. "Why? Why do you like me so much?"

Hikari hesitated, not sure how to explain how she felt. "I…I guess it's because you're all the things I'm not. You're smart, and pretty, and everyone looks up to you. I'm just…plain. Nobody notices me much, unless they're making fun of me. I just…I like being around you. It makes me happy to have you as a friend, I guess."

Asuka half-turned so that she could look at Hikari, an almost desperately searching look in her eyes. "Do you mean that?"

Hikari blushed, but nodded. Her mind was whirling right now, trying to figure out how to cope with this unexpected situation. Asuka was actually turning to her for comfort, for reassurance. She'd never thought anything like this was possible. Asuka never showed weakness, but here she was, apparently depending on Hikari to…well, to save her. "I mean it." Acting on impulse, Hikari pulled Asuka into a hug, speaking quietly in her ear. "You're my friend, and you always will be, because I don't care what you do. Only who you are matters to me."

* * *

The next evening, the two girls sat on a bench overlooking the still-smoking crater that had been their hometown, now nothing more than a charred pit with a new lake forming in its center. Hikari's hands were folded together in her lap, her eyes subconsciously looking for familiar landmarks that had been annihilated by Unit 00's detonation.

"So…Ayanami's dead?"

Asuka nodded, face flat. "Guess so. Nothing could have survived that explosion."

Hikari nodded slightly, then sighed heavily. "Asuka, there's something we need to talk about…"

Asuka glanced at her friend, cautious. "If it's about what happened last night, I don't think we should talk about…that again."

Hikari shook her head. "It's not. I…I'm not sure how to say this, but…my family's moving away. Our apartment building was destroyed, and Dad says it's too dangerous to live in the city anymore. We're moving to Tokyo-2 tomorrow."

Asuka blinked, a shocked look slowly replacing her former apathetic gaze. "But…what about your promise?"

Hikari squirmed, guilt eating at her already. "I know, Asuka…and I _did_ mean what I said…but there's nothing I can do about it. Dad's already decided."

Asuka stood, disbelief and hurt evident in her tone. "But…but you promised…and we…we…how could you do this to me?"

Hikari flushed, eyes starting to fill with tears, tone full of hurt and shame. "Asuka, if I could stay, I would! But…Dad's already made up his mind. I can't change it. I can come visit, though…"

Asuka grabbed Hikari's shoulders, expression almost manic. "No! You _have_ to stay! I know, I'll make Misato let you stay with us! We can share a bed, it won't be such a big deal…"

Hikari pulled Asuka's hands off her shoulders, sad but resigned. "You and I both know my dad wouldn't be okay with that, Asuka…I'm sorry, but I've got to go. Our train's leaving soon."

Hikari pulled her friend into one last hug, forcing herself to hold in the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. She hated this whole situation. Having to leave, having to hurt Asuka this way, having to leave her behind…it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, but Hikari knew it was the only thing she _could_ do.

The two girls stood like this for a moment, the setting sun casting long shadows behind their forms. Hikari was the first to break the embrace, eyes red but still dry, just barely. "I…I have to go now, Asuka. I'm sorry, I really am…"

Asuka watched as her only friend walked away. She could feel her heart crumbling, and all her other emotions were swept away by a tide of despair. Nothing would ever matter to her again. If this was all that happened when you cared about someone, then it was better to not care at all. She collapsed on the bench, sobbing as the sun vanished behind a mountain, leaving the former city in darkness as deep as that in Asuka's mind.

(Author's Note: This story was inspired in part by a random convo I was having with a friend, and partly by the End of Eva Ep. 25 secondary title, "Love is Destructive". And yes, I made the story ambiguous on purpose. Whether or not these two are in love, or simply very good friends, is left up to each reader to decide. I've had friendships that were closer than any love relationship, so don't discount EITHER possibility. And I'm sorry about the depressing ending, but this is Eva. There are no happy endings. That's just how it is.)


	2. Part 2: Q

(Author's note: The title is NOT a reference to Rebuild 3.0. It is instead a reference to the Q Document (a hypothetical source for the Gospel writers) and a pun on Rei's status as the "source" of all life on Earth.)

Rei Ayanami stood in Terminal Dogma, staring up at the crucified white mass dominating the massive cavern. Her face was flat, impassive, betraying none of the conflict inside her. She was finally whole again, but that meant that the time for the Plan to be implemented was close at hand. She didn't know what to do. She knew her purpose, but for the first time she was having doubts. She wanted so badly to be one of them…Ikari had accepted her. He seemed to be the only one who could, though. Everyone else avoided her, and her interactions with Dr. Akagi were laced with resentment on the other woman's part, as well as a simmering hate that Rei couldn't understand. If she couldn't be one of them, though, maybe the world _should_ end.

The hissing of an opening door disturbed her thoughts. From behind her came a quiet, polite voice. "There isn't much time left, is there, Lilith?"

Rei turned, staring coldly at the intruder, taking in once more his skinny frame, grey hair, and blood-red eyes. She spoke flatly, not bothering to hide her distaste at his proximity. "No, there isn't."

The boy chuckled, looking up at the immobile giant before them, hands in his pockets. "It's a pity, you know. Your children have so much promise, so much talent and ability. Yet they're trying to commit mass suicide. I wonder what our makers would think of that; their own creations destroying themselves in the name of misguided fairytales."

Rei looked up at the crucified body as well, voice flat and laced with scorn. "They would consider it fitting. We were an accident. We were not meant to be here at all. Our self-destruction will set the universe to rights."

Kaworu smiled softly, his tone amused and slightly chiding. "_We_, Lilith? You're counting yourself amongst them now? As much as I admire your children, I'd never consider myself one of them. We're just too different."

Rei blinked, her face momentarily belying her inner confusion. "That is not what I meant."

Kaworu nodded, smiling. "I understand, Lilith. You want to be one of them, don't you?

Rei was silent, eyes still confused. She didn't know how to respond to Kaworu's question, so she decided to stay silent. He'd managed to see right through her somehow, figuring out her deepest desire without her giving him the slightest hint. She knew it was impossible, that even though she had created them she'd never be _one_ of them, but she wanted it anyhow.

Kaworu chuckled again. "I guess that's a yes. I'm not meaning to say it's a bad thing, Lilith. I want to be one of them too. But… that option just isn't available to us. The way things stand, all of us-including you- have to die for you children to survive, even though they don't want to. Are you ready to make that sacrifice?"

Rei thought about this. She knew he was right. It was unavoidable. The men who controlled her wouldn't let it happen any other way… when it came down to it, Ikari-kun was the only one who seemed to truly care about her. His father pretended to, but Rei knew he was only manipulating her for his own ends. Still...if Shinji knew who she really was, he would reject her like everyone else had. Wouldn't he? She wasn't sure. She wanted so desperately to think he would still accept her and care about her, but everything pointed to the opposite conclusion.

She spoke quietly, the animosity in her tone fading away. "Maybe that is true…but I don't think they have to die with us. That is what they want…to kill us, and in the process give birth to their own destruction."

Kaworu nodded, solemn. "I know. That's why I've made a decision."

Rei glanced at Kaworu, inwardly surprised. The way he'd said that implied that there might be a third option. "What decision?"

"I'm going to mess up their plans a little." Kaworu smiled softly, continuing. "They want me to try to start Third Impact. I admire humanity too much to do that. They still have promise, if they can just turn themselves around. Their music is evidence enough of that. So I won't do it. But I need your help."

Rei blinked, openly shocked now. Her voice, however, was as level as ever. "What do you need me to do?"

Kaworu looked around the massive cavern, a faintly sad expression crossing his face. "I need you to keep anyone from seeing what happens down here."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to let Shinji decide what happens."

Rei's eyes narrowed, something in her boiling up at the thought of Shinji being harmed in any way. "Why him?"

Kaworu smiled slightly. "He's the only person I trust to make the right decision. He's lonely, and scared, and he thinks he's a horrible person…but you and I both know that deep inside, he _wants_ to be better. He wants to be what everyone wants him to be. If he has that chance…well, I think he could be all they need to save themselves."

Rei nodded silently, understanding. She knew what Kaworu was planning now, and she knew what it would do to Shinji, but he was right. She just wished it didn't have to be this way.

Kaworu laughed slightly, as if at a private joke. "Well…it's been nice to meet you, Lilith. Maybe we'll meet again in another life."

He turned, walking away, whistling the "Ode to Joy" quietly as he vanished. Rei left as well, though not before shooting a final glance at the crucified giant. Things would be over soon, one way or another. One last time, she wished it didn't have to be this way.

Rei stared at the head floating in the LCL at the Giant's feet. Her own feet were floating inches above the liquid, perfectly stationary. Kaworu's head was still smiling slightly, as if proud of Shinji for what he'd done. Rei stared at it, eyes empty. She couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen now. The last "Angel" was gone, so the Commander would probably be preparing to enact his plan for her. His plan would kill everyone, just so he could reunite with his wife. Once, she had thought that it was alright, if it was for him. She would have done anything. But since she'd met Ikari-kun, she'd started to find that she was more human than she thought. She could smile, and she could care about someone, and she could…she could love. She'd realized why the Commander was doing this, and she'd seen that it was wrong.

It was at that moment that Rei made up her mind. She would allow the Commander to start his plan…but it would finish on _her_ terms, not his. She wouldn't allow him to destroy everything for that tiny chance he was grasping at. She would give the choice to Ikari-kun instead. He was kind, and gentle, and he had been hurt so much by life…and she loved him. She would let _him_ decide the fate of the world, and whatever happened, he would finally be happy.

And for the first time, she would be happy as well.


	3. Part 3: Evidence

EVIDENCE (FILE #3488-21A7)

TYPE: Handwritten letter

ORIGIN: Found on the desk of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi

DATE OF ACQUISITION: 12-29-2015

CONTENTS

Why are women such fools, Mother?

Yes, I'm asking you. I knew you were sleeping with Gendo. You and I were always more alike than we wanted to admit. We both fell for him, despite knowing that he could never love us. He was using us, using our minds and our bodies for his own purposes. Why did we let him? I finally realized it, REALLY realized it, the day I realized that he never closed his eyes when we kissed. He never let go of that icy control…and he couldn't possibly care about me like that. Did he ever do that to you, Mother? When did YOU realize that he didn't love you? Was it when you heard Rei repeating what he said about you behind your back? I KNOW what he says about me. He thinks I'm old and ugly, but he keeps me around because he needs me to do my job. He doesn't love me, Mother. I don't think he's capable of loving anyone…other than that _bitch_ Rei.

The council demanded to see her after Unit 00's self-destruction to destroy the 16th Angel. He refused. You know what he did instead, Mother? He sent _me_, bare-ass naked. He shamed me for their entertainment, and made me _lie_ for him to the Council. And I went along with it like a good little girl. He seems to take pleasure in humiliating me, in forcing me to do things that I find repugnant. I'd rather be with _anyone_ but him, but he's the only one who wants me in any way…I suppose that makes me weak, that I won't go look for someone else to be with. But you know what that's like, don't you, Mother? He never loved you either. Then again…this whole thing is really YOUR fault, isn't it? If you hadn't driven Daddy away…

Yes, Mother, I went there. Don't tell me to shut up. I won't, not this time. _You_ drove him away, with how cold you were, how absorbed in your work you always were. You spent _weeks_ at work at a time, and then you wondered why he cheated on you? Why he wanted to have sex with other women, including me? It was all _your_ fault, Mother. Yours and yours alone. And when you _were_ home, I always wished you weren't. You were so cold, so harsh and unloving, always telling me that if I wasn't the absolute best that I was worthless, always hitting me if I got less than perfect grades…I had to wear that fucking fake smile all the time, so nobody would suspect anything was wrong. I lost all my friends because of you, Mother. I stopped talking to them. I _couldn't_ talk to them anymore. I couldn't trust anyone, because of you. Did you think it would _help_, treating me that way? You always loved humiliating me, showing up your teenage daughter, you with your college degrees and larger amount of experience. You never saw how unfair a contest it was, did you? You're just like him. You always were.

That…actually makes sense. No wonder you two were drawn to each other. You were both horrible, hateful people, nothing but empty-souled users who saw other people as tools and not human beings.

And I'm no better.

For Ikari:

You bastard. You utter fucking _bastard._

By the time anyone reads this, if I'm lucky, you'll have a bullet in your head and be missing half your brain. It's no more than you deserve. You put _her_ ahead of _me_? You sent _me_ to the Old Men instead of your little fuck toy bitch? Am I really so worthless to you, that you'd humiliate me like that? Why is _she_ so special? She's a shell! She's nothing but animated _meat_ that _I_ keep alive for you! She wouldn't _exist_ anymore if it weren't for me! _Why is she so special, you bastard?_ Is it because she looks like Yui? Yeah, I know about that. You thought all the pictures were destroyed, but you missed a few. Mother showed them to me. Is that why you keep her around? So you can pretend you're fucking your wife again, even if it's actually an emotionless inhuman bitch? I hope she bites your dick off during sex…oh, but she won't. She doesn't eat meat, does she? The little bitch thinks she's so much better than everyone else, always acting superior...I hate her. Maybe even more than I hate you.

And I hate you a lot, Gendo. Don't doubt it. I've had it with you using me. I'm done being your toy. I won't be like my mother anymore. I _hated_ her, and we've become too much alike. We're both _weak_, hateful creatures. Look at what I'm writing. It's all empty. I know I won't leave you, it just makes me feel better to write it, because then I can feel like I'm actually _changing_ something. I hate you, you bastard. You made me like this. You made me like _her_. And now you're abandoning me for your little lolita bitch. How would you feel if she wasn't around anymore, I wonder? You know I can do it. She's not human. She's not a person. I wouldn't be like my mother…I wouldn't feel remorse or horror. Just one gunshot is all it would take, a bullet to blow out her icy brain, and then I could have you all to myself…

No.

It wouldn't work, would it? She's one of _them_. The things we call "Angels". A bullet probably wouldn't kill her. I'd have to do it differently…poison, or giving her fake pills…no. There's not enough time left in your "plan" for that, is there? Maybe a knife, if I can get in close…

Or maybe the most delicious revenge of all. One final act before I end myself, because God knows a woman like me doesn't deserve to live.

I'll ruin your plan, Ikari. The way you ruined me.

Fuck you. Fuck you forever.


End file.
